Tuesday, June 23, 2009

How High?

Kindergarten Graduation

I almost cried at the bus stop this morning as he boarded on the day of his "Kindergarten Celebration". He was freaked out. "Totally".

This evening, we sit at our camp. I look at him. He's grown, his feet nearly the same length as mine.

His clothes, some of which still fit 3 years later because they are cut that way, are too short and look like baseball pants or capris. His legs so long and lanky.

His hands, long fingers, adept at building and drawing. He's assembling Megatron. At least I think it's Megatron.

I watch, and as I watch I see him grow.

I kiss and hug him as he looks at me, waiting for it to end so he can return to Megatraon. I'm holding him back.

He breaks the silence to ask Dad why "rednecks like country music". In the conversation, Dad says some people don't like things to change.

I think I might not want certain things to change.

He asks sweetly after being punished if he could return outside to play for a few minutes. I get consensus from Dad and he can go.

He comes back in on his own, a first, without prompting. He begins to jump, asking me to tell him "how high", a joke he and his Dad share.

I smile. And he jumped, and he jumped as high as I asked, and he asked me to place my hand up higher each time.

His clothes, like Hulk, literally growing out of them before my eyes. Like a man suddenly grown from a boy, like in a fantasy movie when it happens overnight.

That's exactly what happened.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Whining

At the risk of delving into the whining side of blogging, which I swore I would not do and felt above, this will not be a pleasant column. Yes, that’s what they used to call these “back in the day” when you actually had to pick up paper to read information.

June 18 and it’s 61 degrees in Central New York. This has been the coldest June I remember, even for Central New York, with its temperatures that ebb and flow faster and more frantically than the names pop star Prince used. Not that I typically mind milder weather, as long as it doesn’t dip below 50. And though this phrase is ubiquitous to Central New Yorkers, “At least it’s not snowing”.

A year ago we were in Maryland visiting Ted, Diane, Alex and Cher under 100+ temperatures and wiping our brows every few seconds, praying that the next restaurant would have air conditioning and smashing crabs with gavels. I don’t know if they have a real name, but that’s what I called them. Order in the restaurant. And our dog Maggie jumped off our boat and onto the restaurant property, encircling the outdoor tables in search of Mom and Dad and probably fresh air. Bold as brass. Like I said, let’s get some order in the restaurant!

Today, my family, near and dear to me, is the only thing on my mind. It has been a terrible year for my family thus far. Another family member, who is 83, said this was the worst year she’d ever personally experienced. I share her sentiment. And you know, she was alive during World War II and in 1929.

It isn’t just the economy, but it’s just very, very sad. Many of my family members are experiencing health issues, and most of them are younger than me. While this does not seem fair, it does make me even more thankful for my health, especially considering the lousy health care plan my former employer, in its infinite wisdom, chose. So I guess I should feel guilty and shameful for complaining that my legs are too short and my arms too long.

So we await good news for the swine flu victim who also has diabetes and who earlier in the year had a low blood sugar scare (she kicked off the year for us); her mother who is in excruciating back pain; her brother who needs other support; my husband who had a carotid artery surgery earlier this year and a health concern last week; my brother who continues to suffer from MS; my husband’s cousin who may have TB or pneumonia; my father-in-law who must undergo a bran scan; my sister, who continues to suffer with her own physical ailments including thyroid problems; niece Valerie who has cervical cancer and her brother who needs other support; and various other private and personal physical concerns.

I’ve seen enough of doctor’s offices and hospitals to write an episode of the new Showtime series with Edie Falco.

It doesn’t stop with the physical and health concerns. Family woes, with breakups, counseling, and layoffs, have plagued a number of us. The only thing I can say for certain is my layoff was the least of the family problems. Well, perhaps my brother-in-law’s layoff is at the bottom of the concerns list, because he just received a new job. Way to go, Hank!

And the list does not close there. Deaths. My mother-in-law’s beloved twin brother, her “womb mate”, as he most cleverly referred to himself, passed away last week. Though he lived a full and happy life and raised three children, this is a sad event. Earlier this spring I lost my former supervisor, who, at the age of 52, died suddenly of a heart attack. The same week my husband lost his co-worker, age 58, who suffered for years of cancer. I also know of the passing of a work acquaintance, who died in March at 62 after a short bout with cancer. And a friend of mine, Cher, lost her mother very recently as well.

I want to end on a good note. Richie and Kenny and the little kids, thanks for not having any problems! Please keep it up! And thank goodness for my second cousin Kristi, the cancer researcher, who not only had a chance at applying to be a U.S. astronaut … yes, that is correct …but she’s getting married in August to a soon-to-be physician. And my husband’s second cousin Kim just became an obstetrician gynecologist. My father-in-law said he likes her but she’s not someone he’d want to visit medically. And Kristi and Kim are both gorgeous blondes too; so much for those terrible blonde jokes.

Yes, I actually have a scientist and physicians in my family. I tell Kristi that she must have inherited the left-brain activity from her father’s side (unrelated to me). But she thinks she’s uncreative, so, we’re even.

And of course, I’m still pleased with our President, who can even catch flies “on the fly”. Way to go! Come catch the moths at my house. They’ve taken over. With Obama, at least there’s some hope, as audacious as I may be to use the word these days.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Inspiration

I read someone's blog about being unemployed midway through the 26-week cycle. I have been a victim for a month.

I see she shares some of the same feelings I do about being unemployed. I was, I feel, unfairly treated at my last job of 9 + years, in which I did my former boss' work and had ALL the answers for the whole team. I was one of two program managers who remained to pick up the pieces when our former boss (who now returned) left for another job. I and my counterpart were left to the devices of a woman who, now dead, did nothing. When her boss was left in charge after her death, things fell to pieces. She confirmed for herself that I was indeed a threat to her and started nitpicking about crap that she would have easily overlooked for her "cronies". Arms folded and looking right through me as though I was a ghost, she was, clearly not involved in our conversation but creating her grocery shopping list or worrying about what DVDs to return to Blockbuster.

I, too, got some sort of opportunities at less than unemployment rate, that's if the Generation Y-er at the placement service ever acknowledges I exist. I had two interviews, one of which turned me down. The other is pending but I'm really hesitant due to never having time with my six-year-old son when I work 40-hour weeks.

But I now can see Logan get off the bus, and he loves it and hugs me like never before. I save on day care, and write more. I completed the second sequel to my latest novel and can do laundry when I please. I jog with my dogs and breathe the fresh day air that we get here in Central New York a couple of months a year.

If it rains, I can work on Logan's scrapbook. The basement needs cleaning up too.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Threats

The more I live and experience, the more I wonder why some people are easily threatened. Is it the economy today? Is it those hair and make-up commercials that make us feel less than perfect? Or the ads about wrinkles?

I personally do not feel I have (intentionally) ever done or said anything to make another person feel threatened. At all. I always have been quiet, laid back, polite to a fault, and professional. I am not a braggart. My mother taught me that modesty is the best policy. And yet I feel that over and over, I meet people who feel threatened by me, affecting me negatively.

The other day a friend told me that even though I am quiet, as opposed to the squeaky wheels, I pose a threat because I do things. I don't just talk about knowing or doing, I actually do it. And by doing it, I show that I know. I demonstrate my capability. I'm in a new field, bam! I've learned all about it in a few months. I'm given a tough project, and as my former boss told me, it's given to me because it was needed yesterday. She wasn't threatened and SHOULD have been, as she really did not do anything.

I just do. I roll up my sleeves and learn what needs to be learned; and, as another friend notes, I "make it look easy". I don't do things to impress people or get ahead, I just do what I feel needs to be done, by me or others. I'm goal centered.

So I don't mean any harm. I don't want your job, I don't want anything else you have. I have everything I need, thank you.

Now while I know deep down that this problem is not mine, it does affect me. I have lost things in life due to someone else's insecurity, not my inability or incompetence. So, basically, I suffer by being a hard and conscientious worker. "It's okay. You don't have to come to that meeting"; "I think we will cut things short today" (said to me at a volunteer position).

Another new friend told me of an issue she had with an employer who suppressed a project of hers. She told me she thought the person was threatened by her creativity.

It just pains me to think that we suppress those who can. And we reward those who cannot ... if they they just stay in their place, play dumb, brag about what they cannot do ... perhaps the world will change with our new President, who does seem to value ability and knowledge. But I'm sure even Obama cannot change the insecurities people feel.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Conserve

You know we're talking lately, my family and I, or at least those who do not become offended when the topic is raised, about the "nouveau" Republican regime. Many Republicans consider themselves "conservative". The origin of the word "conserve" is from the Latin, meaning "to save". So why wouldn't they want to save money, our environment, which includes our earth and our natural resources, and our precious youth? You would think then, that Conservatives would prioritize eco-friendly ways of producing energy, providing manufacturing, and invest in more than Wall Street...investing in our future, education, would be more "conservative" in my estimation. I write this as an observer and thinker and "new" political onlooker. I'm not expert, so I welcome comments.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Change

Our President, for whom I voted, touted "change" in his campaign. I always touted "change". But some things never change.

It's been said that while everyone changes, a person's true character is formed by the time h/she is five or six. And that never changes.

My work friend asked me recently if reading my old writings was indicative of whether my insights and instincts changed. They have not.

My work friend, who retired last fall, still goes to bed early.
My other work friend still wears those pants whose hem she took down, displaying a dirty edge.
My retired work friend says you can't change a leopard's spots. And you can't change the leopard's ideals, opinions, morals, clothing or other stains.

People don't change. People are people. They are afraid, caring, mean, happy, sad, gossipy, quiet.
You cannot label people according to their field, color, race, religion, gender or sexual identity.

I'm trying hard to network because I have come to a crossroads now in terms of career. My heart is a writer's, but the economy tells me to "get a new job", and I'm frightened. I never fit in that world and feel at 50 I should stop being a square peg in a round hole.

I guess I didn't really change either.

For Today

I'm sure you've all heard that there's no sense in thinking about tomorrow, that you can only deal with and accomplish what is in front of you at the moment. Live for today. Sha-la-la-la-la, remember that lyric?

It occurred to me this week, since I once again have time to think, that people like me don't fit into that mold. I wish I could just think for today. I'm a strategic thinker, a planner. I look at the now and think about tomorrow. I'm just built like that. I got that from my mother. She could predict I'd fall down on my face just by the way I sauntered down the hallway.

I do that now to my son. "Be careful. You have too many things in your hands. You're going to ... fall."

I received a "high pass" in my comprehensive exam for my master's degree in none other than ... you guessed it ... strategic management. I was one of the few with the ability to understand what it is like to think ahead, and the necessity at times to do so.

But thinking ahead is a burden. I often wonder how psychics handle things. And for those who believe in a higher power, how do the higher powers do it?

Of course I don't know what's up ahead. But I think about the possibilities, all the time. It works in business but it makes me anxious personally.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, especially in today's uncertain world.

But I suppose it's better than not thinking at all.

As my six-year-old son Logan said to me the other day, "Tomorrow's a new day."

Ah, I predict he's going to be a "future thinker" addict just like mom.